


Hermione Granger: Matchmaker Extraordinaire

by CrypticLinguist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 04:27:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2010891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrypticLinguist/pseuds/CrypticLinguist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The brightest witch of her age knows exactly what the fans of the series want. Hermione sets about righting the wrongs of the canon universe and setting up the ships that she knows are going to work well, even if it means taking the fate of the book series into her own hands. You can't fight the heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hermione Granger: Matchmaker Extraordinaire

Hermione tapped her foot against the floor and peered again down the corridor. He was late. Of course he was- What did she think, that he was going to show up early? It wasn't like he was known for his punctuality or manners. In fact, she had been rather surprised when he had responded to her owl at all.  
"You called?"  
She looked up and saw Malfoy striding down the corridors, robe billowing, wand out, smirking as always, as if there was some creature being tortured right under his nose and nothing gave him more joy than to watch it squirm. She stood up and walked towards him.  
"Yes, I did."  
"Make this quick, mudblood, I haven't all the time in the world. See, some of us have friends, and places to be that aren't full of books, so I'd appreciate it if you sped things up a bit."  
She sighed. "Don't call me mudblood."  
His eyes narrowed. "I'll call you whatever I like, you little-"  
"Okay, stop. Can we just skip the narky insults part of the conversation? We both know that you only call me 'mudblood' because you feel insecure about yourself and your bloodline and the fact that your only competition is a muggle-born girl who knits hats for elves, so there's really no point in continuing, is there?"  
He seemed unable to find a retort, and instead his eyes narrowed a little more, so that he looked like he was trying to see her in a dim light. "What do you want?"  
She sighed. "Help."  
"Oh?" His tone turned to one of slick, cavalier inquiry. "Help with what, Granger?"  
"Harry."  
"Oh." The voice froze with his eyes. "This is about Potter, is it?"  
"Yes. I just said that."  
"Potter, who's too cowardly to come for help himself, and instead sends his little mudblood girlfriend crawling out-"  
"Good grief, Harry didn't send for you, I did! You're utterly hopeless, both of you, too proud and idiotic to get the help you need. Oh, and you're still using insults like 'little', which again prove how scared you are of me and my talent, so knock it off."  
He swallowed. "That's not true..."  
"It's definitely true, and you know it. Now, stop being so dumb, and tell me what I want to know."  
"What's that?"  
"How do you let a wizard know he's gay?"  
Draco blinked and blushed. "What?"  
"How do you let a wizard know he's gay, if he can't connect the dots himself?"  
"I-I... Um... Well..."  
"Come on, out with it."  
"W-What makes you think I'm an expert on stuff like this??"  
"I don't know, you just have that sort of face. I thought you might have had some experience, being the popular snake that you are."  
"Oh... Well..." He swallowed. "I suppose you just meet him alone, in some quiet place, and ask him how many girls he's liked. Then you say that you've know for a while, and seen him watching boys instead of girls, and that the sooner he comes to terms with it, the better. Then you tell him that it's glaringly obvious to anybody with two eyes and half a brain and that he's really just kidding himself if he thinks he's going to get any action with the opposite gender, and maybe it's time to start looking closer to home, you know? D-Does that answer your question?"  
"Yes," Hermione said happily. "It does. Thanks, Draco."  
"Wait... Does this mean that Harry's-?"  
"I don't know, but let me ask you something. How many girls have you liked?"  
"Uh... What?"  
"I've known for a while, and I've seen you watching boys instead of girls. The sooner you come to terms with it, the better."  
"H-Hermione, what are you-?"  
"It's glaringly obvious to anybody with two eyes and half a brain. You're really just kidding yourself if you think you're going to get any action with the opposite gender, and maybe it's time to start looking closer to home, you know?"  
He blinked. "Hermione..."  
"Thanks for the advice. Stay classy, kid."  
She turned and walked quickly up the corridor, hiding a pleased smile.

Hermione stuck her head out of her book. "I went to Draco."  
Ron raised an eyebrow at her. "We're calling him Draco now, are we?"  
"Well, it's been long enough. Maybe we ought to consider him something more than a bitter enemy by now."  
He looked up from his game of chess and let his other eyebrow join the first. "Bloody hell, Hermione, you're not serious, are you?"  
"No, I'm not Sirius. I'm Hermione."  
He looked like he would punch her in the face. "It's not funny. This is the same bloke who almost killed Harry!"  
"Everybody's almost killed Harry," she said, waving a dismissive hand. "You've almost killed Harry. Multiple times, in fact."  
"Well I'm not a smug little git, am I?"  
"Not much of one."  
"Hermione..."  
"Look, I'm just saying that there's more than pure hatred in their relationship."  
He looked thoroughly alarmed. "What?!"  
"Never mind," she sighed. "You'll understand someday."  
"I don't appreciate being patronized."  
"Then grow an iota of sense about love."  
"L-Love?" He blushed beetroot. "I know plenty about love!"  
"Sure you do. You just don't understand your own feelings."  
"Yes I do! I know exactly who I love and who I don't."  
"Yeah, but you don't have the wizard balls to man up about it."  
"That's a lie, I-"  
"For heaven's sake!" She grabbed his face and kissed him for a good twenty seconds. When she let him go, he resembled a goldfish who had just been on a rollercoaster ride.  
"Somebody's got to have the wizard balls in this relationship," she said, and left the library.

Harry nearly collided into her in the hall.  
"Hermione!" he said breathlessly, glasses askew, hair mussed. "Hermione, thank goodness, I've just found something incredible-"  
"Go see Draco," she said.  
"What?"  
"Go see Draco," she repeated, smoothing down his hair and straightening his glasses and setting his tie straight. He looked utterly bewildered.  
"Hermione, what are you talking about? Since when did we start calling Malfoy Draco?"  
"Since your fates became intertwined." She took his hand and pressed something into it. "Don't deny yourself any longer. There's no reason not to. You officially have my blessing. Best of luck, kiddo."  
She winked and swept down the corridor once more. Harry blinked at the envelope in his hand, which read 'To Draco From Harry With Love And Smooches', smiled a little, and set off on a new course to the Slytherin common room.

Snape sighed over his photo album and gently traced a finger around Lily's face.  
"Always..."  
"Proffessor Snape?"  
He looked up as Hermione strode into the room.  
"Granger," he groused. "What do you want?"  
"To help, sir." She held out a slip of paper. "I found this dating website. It's a thing that muggles use to meet new people."  
"I know what it is," he said. "Why do I need it? How impertinent of you to suggest such a thing."  
"Well, sir, I've just noticed that you're a little sad about Lily-"  
"-How did you know about-"  
"I just think you should move on, sir," she said gently. "Maybe it's time to change that patronus, eh?"  
"Maybe," he said begrudgingly.  
"You know, you could always go talk to Professor Lupin about it," she said. He raised his eyebrows as she winked and backed slowly from the room.  
"Perhaps I should give him a call..."

Neville and Hannah sat beside each other in the Herbology classroom, around a pulsating Puffapod.  
"Pass the cutters," she asked quietly.  
"Oh... Yep..." He fumbled for them and dropped them to the ground. "Oh, no..."  
"That's alright."  
"I've ruined it."  
"It's fine, I've got it- Oh no!"  
She slipped and successfully brought both Neville and the plant crashing down with her. The pods instantly began to bloom on the floor around them, and both blushed as they tried to scramble to their feet. A Venemous Tentacula vine caught Hannah's wrist in its grip, and another Neville's finger, and their hands slowly began moving together.  
"DON'T FIGHT IT," a voice called. Neville looked up and saw a bushy haired figure a few meters outside the greenhouse.  
"Hermione?" He flushed and tried to disentangle himself, which only worsened the situation.  
"GO AT IT," she advised. "DON'T FIGHT THE YEARNING IN YOUR HEART."  
"What is she talking about?" Hannah asked desperately.  
"I have no idea!"  
"YOU CAN'T IGNORE THE HEART. YOU'RE TOTALLY INTO ONE ANOTHER. ADMIT IT TO YOURSELF."  
They shared a long glance and let the vines loop their hands together.  
"HAVE FUN, KIDS."  
Hermione, triumphant, turned to head back to the castle.

That night, as Neville stayed with Hannah in the greenhouse after dark, and Harry met with Draco at the edge of the forbidden forest; as Lupin accepted a dinner invitation from an old friend and Ron handed Lavender a pack of chocolates and a note to be delivered, Hermione stared at the roof of her four-poster and smiled.  
"That ought to please the fans," she sighed happily to herself, drifting off to sleep. "You can't ignore the heart..."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my first fic. I hope it was enjoyable.


End file.
